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In my family, money was hush-hush. I'm the daughter of immigrant parents, and money was something only discussed behind closed doors, in hushed voices. But I still heard things. During the 2008 financial crisis, I heard my parents worrying about getting laid off and not being able to pay the mortgage or keep up with the bills. Later, I heard them stressing over how they'd afford my college, and how to get me a good education without burying me in debt. No one ever sat me down to explain any of it. And I learned not to ask.
I carried that silence straight into my career. I kept my money close to the chest. I didn't ask questions, didn't compare notes, and didn't talk about pay, not even at work. The turning point came when I was promoted to Director and found out I was being underpaid. I realized that if I wanted to build wealth, I had to unlearn the money beliefs I'd carried with me since childhood.
Why building wealth feels harder when you're the first
There's no one to ask. My parents had no idea what a Roth IRA was. I had to figure out what an index fund was all by myself. No one was there to answer my questions or guide me on my financial journey. And how could they? They were learning a new language in a country where they knew almost no one.
Money is a secret. Growing up, I learned that money was a taboo subject. We never talked about salaries, savings, or investments. It was as if money itself was a dirty word, something to whisper about and hide away. That silence taught me that money was something to be ashamed of. And asking for more? Unthinkable.
The rules were passed down as safety. One of my clients refused to use credit cards because her parents believed credit cards would ruin you. She'd been told to avoid them her whole life. When you're young, you take your parents' advice as truth, and you don't question it. She didn't question it again until we started working together, and she realized she was missing out on opportunities to build wealth because she was so afraid of using credit cards.
This is why building wealth is so hard for first-gen women.
What nobody teaches you
Lesson 1: Wanting more money is not selfish
It's necessary, for your survival and your family's.
Advocating to be paid what you're worth isn't greedy. Money is a tool, and having more of it gives you options, security, and the ability to take care of yourself and your family.
What it cost me: I was $10K below the starting salary for my own level, and $30K below market rate. It took a year of fighting to get that extra $30K and finally be paid what I was worth. That money would have been in my pocket sooner if I'd advocated for myself sooner.
Lesson 2: I wasn't bad with money. I was just never taught
I spent years blaming myself for not knowing all the right moves. I was hesitant to even open a Roth IRA because I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing. But the truth is, most of us are thrown into the deep end without a life vest. Eventually, my fear for my future self is what led me to seek out a financial education. I spent hours on Google and Reddit teaching myself about money and how to invest.
What it cost me: years of compound growth.
Lesson 3: Income is not the same thing as wealth
Whenever my parents saw someone with a nice car or a nice home, they'd say, "Look at them. They must earn a lot of money." I always assumed a great salary meant a great life, and that a great job meant a life with no financial stress.
Then one day, I was at a friend's house when she and her parents got into a fight about money. I'd always thought they were wealthy: a really nice house, a Lexus and a BMW, and the latest, trendiest clothes. But her parents told her they couldn't pay for an out-of-state college without going into debt. They had the income to cover the car payments and the mortgage, but no savings or investments. Everything they brought in went right back out the door.
That's when I learned that having nice things doesn't make you wealthy.
What it cost me: I've had a job since I was 16. I spent a lot of the money I worked hard for on nice clothes to keep up with my peers, because I didn't want to feel left out. I could have invested that money, or spent it on things that actually made me happy instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Supporting family without giving up your future
I love my family, especially my parents, and I want to support them. They sacrificed so much for my siblings and me that I want to pay some of it back.
So I created a savings bucket for my family that I contribute to every month. Out of my total savings each month, I set aside a certain amount for the family fund. It started at $30 a month and grew as my income grew. I can use it for whatever my family needs: medical bills, a car repair, a nice vacation. I wanted it there so that if my parents ever need help, I can give it without stressing about it.
My parents don't actually know this savings bucket exists. If they knew, they'd feel guilty that I was spending my money on them and tell me to spend it on my future instead. I don't plan on telling them. They don't need to know about every decision I make. What they do know is that I'm there for them whenever they need me.
Where to start
First, audit your inherited money beliefs. It sounds silly, but once they're written down, it's easier to look at them from a more neutral standpoint. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe about money. Then ask yourself whether those beliefs are actually serving you.
Second, start learning on your own. Once you understand your money beliefs better, read books, listen to podcasts, and follow financial experts on social media. The more you learn about money, the more confident you'll feel making financial decisions.
Third, start a budget if you haven't already. Knowing exactly what comes in, what goes out, and how much you keep at the end of the month is the first step to building wealth. And it's not as complicated as it sounds. If you're looking for a template, my Budget Tracker is the one I use with my clients.
If you want more support talking through your inherited money beliefs and writing new ones, book a free call (opens in a new tab) to talk about how 1:1 financial coaching can help. My 12 Week Program was designed for exactly this.
You don't have to choose between honoring where you came from and building wealth of your own. You get to do both.
Frequently asked questions
What does first-generation wealth mean?
First-generation wealth means you're the first in your family to build savings, investments, and assets that last beyond your paycheck. Often that means doing it with no one to ask, while unlearning the money rules you grew up with.
How do I build wealth when no one in my family taught me about money?
Start by writing down the money beliefs you inherited and asking whether they still serve you. Then teach yourself through books, podcasts, and trusted experts, and start a budget so you know what comes in, what goes out, and what you keep each month.
How do I support my parents financially without hurting my own future?
Create a separate savings bucket for family and add to it every month as part of your savings. Start small, even $30 a month, and grow it as your income grows. That way you can help with things like medical bills or a car repair without derailing your own plan.
How do I stop feeling guilty about spending money on myself?
Start by noticing where the guilt comes from. Often it's a belief you inherited, not a rule you chose. Wanting more money isn't selfish, and neither is spending some of it on yourself. Spend on the things that actually make you happy, not on keeping up with everyone else, and plan for them in your budget.
Is income the same as wealth?
No. Income is what you earn. Wealth is what you keep: your savings and investments. A high salary can still leave you with nothing saved if everything that comes in goes right back out.
